Saturday, 19 April 2014


HOW TO ENTERTAIN IN A BRILLIANT WAY. Lesson 1 By Stuart Wilde & The Bird Men

1: Turn up before the organisers and set up your own lights for maximum atmosphere.

2: Include at least one (preferably more) obscure piece of kit in you set up, ie: a Trombone, Weissenborn guitar, or a children's megaphone.

3: Have a Reggae bass player with a double storey set of bass bins

4: Have a drummer called a semi-novelty name like, Wally.

5: Have a brass player that is at least seven feet tall and mysteriously quiet.

6: Wear a top hat.

7: Possess a minimum of eight inches of beardy material.

8: Footwear must be decorative, if at all possible, bejewelled.

9: Guitar sound must be dirty, like a rancid cat, an almost dead tramp, or a whore's repertoire.

10: Vocals should be able to hover between gruff and tuneful, occasional snarls, hisses of breath or roars should be encouraged.

11: All musical parts should blend smoothly, it should be evident that each member of the band can 'feel' it. This in turn should spill out into the audience, who should also 'feel' it and want to 'feel' back.

12: It is perfectly acceptable to look like a scraggy crow in clothing.

13: Drummers should always be encouraged to make faces in their rhythmic enthusiasm.

14: Bass players should have a long elegance about them.

15: If a band decides to have a Trombone player, he should be instinctive with his solos.

16: It is always, ALWAYS, vitally important to have material that is lyrically of the finest and musically of the highest order.

17: A set should be delivered with meaning and a grimmace.

18: Enjoy it.

19: Give your heart and soul.

20: Stroke beardyness occasionally between songs, this is vital for maximum stage craftery.

21: Have a new album for sale, with a name like; 'Devil In My House'.

22: Doff your top hat at the end of the night to much jubilous applause from the gathered audience.

Please see below diagrams for further examples.

In this picture we see evidence of a semi-glower.

It is optional (but effective) to mimic the V for Vendetta mask

Be very tall if you play trombone, due to maximum long bitty slidey thing

Always create shadows to play in when you have a Weissenborn

Middle distance glaring is an ideal way to unnerve an audience. (in a good way)

Bass players ideally, should possess an inner calm, that sometimes leaks to the surface as a 'head boomp'. Here you can see a bass player wrestling within, within a groove.

Thoughtful appearances can create great tension

Here, a trombonist plays a lofty solo 

Here is the ideal proximity, bass-player - lead singer equation in action

drummer facials example 1

drummer facials example 2

Here we see the maximum usage of a small megaphone